Poking Those Insecurities

What to do…

 

  Maybe write a bit?  Explode into your creativity a little?

 

  Erupt like a firestorm at night across the planes of your imagination?

 

Yeah, right…

Stop being so negative.  You can do anything you want.  You have all this time and nothing to complain about, so just do what you want.  That’s what you want to do, right?

 

  Or is the problem that you want too much?

 

Or is the problem that you have too much, and so little to work for or towards?  No big beast to battle?

 

Are you better off swinging?

Better off with an enemy that just isn’t there?

Don’t test me.

Why not be tested?  What happens if you’re bested?  Will you lay down and die, almost like you’re trying to do now?

 

  I’m trying no such thing.

 

  Half naked, unshowered, staring at a computer screen.  Imagining the government is plotting your ending.  Poking at the holes in your teeth until they throb.

 

Alright..enough…

spreading your insecurities around the web

Ok, I get it…promise…thanks…

Every Writer Needs an Embarrassing Past…

….mine is Fanfiction.  What could be more embarrassing than that?  That would be the fact that I’m getting back into it.

 

For anyone who hasn’t first encountered my writing on some even more obscure corner of the World Wide Web, my nickname, TC180, used to be TwilightChild999, a nickname just oozing teenage angst and obsession with mystical concepts.

 

No, my name was not related to the series Twilight.  My fanfiction was way older than Twilight.  My teenage angst occurred long before Twilight darkened our bookshelves or our theaters.  My nickname came from an equally angsty poem that my teenage best friend had written about me in which she called me a “child of twilight,” because I would disappear into the sunset or the dawn, not to be seen again for at least a few months.

 

So TwilightChild stuck…except that years later it was ruined by sparkly vampires, so I had to change it to just TC.

 

But just because I disavow any association with Twilight does not mean that I didn’t get into some vampires in my day.  I was most active in Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction, where I tried to capture and enrich quirky characters and heal or develop relationships that he-who-shall-not-grant-happy-endings (Joss Whedon) would always build up only to destroy.

 

I did like writing angst, however.  I considered it an accomplishment if I could make readers cry.  According to reviews they left, my readers often cried.

 

I would over dramatize.  And I had a habit of throwing in a non-consensual sexual encounter or two for good measure, even though I wrote some of these stories before I had ever had sex (and it shows).

 

Now I’m back into the fanfiction madness…or getting back into it, slowly.  I’d like to one day finish all of the stories that I’ve left as WIP’s (works in progress) in the Buffy fandom.  I’ve also started writing some fanfiction stories for the ABC drama Once Upon a Time, currently in its second season.  I especially like to play with the character Rumpelstiltskin and the show’s depiction of Beauty and the Beast.

 

A Darker Corner

Why is your mind so heavy?

You know why…

It’s time to write?

Bingo!

And yet, a blank.

Not really.  Your mind has been far from blank.  Let yourself go and put it down, if you need to.

What if I don’t?  Need to, that is.

Don’t kid yourself.  You’ve just got more walls in you than china.  Some of them have great, spiraling towers on them, too, with shadow archers that take pot shots at your every attempt to express a real issue, a real thought, or grow as a human being.

(or a lover.)

Hush, you.  See what I mean?

That was hardly a dark, shadowy archer. 

No?  And who was in your back seat last night?

…I don’t want to talk about that.

Your cheeks are flaming red.  Maybe you aught to talk to someone about it.

(Hush, you’ll wake her…)

(Is it quiet?  Is it safe?)

  Who was there last night?

A shadow with a face.  It was male, I think.

Well, we do have a male or two in here.

But you know the female version is worse…

How do we know that?  Come on, we should give all our evil a chance to prove themselves most vile of them all.

(Don’t talk about her as if she isn’t listening.)

Come on, what are we doing?  It’s like thinking or whispering about the boogeyman.

Yeah, and one of those boogie MEN touched you.  Physically.  As in you physically felt it.

Touched my seat.  Nudged it with a foot that didn’t exist.

Whatever.

It was all in my head.  It was just a darker corner than usual.

And what if we turn that corner?  What’s going to happen to all of us if you manifest one of your villains again?

MY villains?  Who said I made them?  They could be older than most of us, for all we know.

(Their evil still lingers.  It will never go…)

Alright, enough.  No evil.  No evil thoughts.  Whatever we condemn as evil is also a part of us.  Once upon a time, she was loved too.