Never Before or Again

I’ll speak

star bursts

to birds,

and sing my hopes to insects

 

I’ll know when it’s time to sleep

by the weight of the atmosphere,

the ground.

 

I’ll forget words,

remember my heart,

sit in ghost silence,

and meditate with stones.

 

I’ll learn the language of

rabbit

deer fawn

 

I’ll call hawk,

and look on night without suspicion.

 

Nowhere else than earth has embraced me

my bones will embrace in return.

 

 

 

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Life After Loss

 

Paul Robert Faulkner

Last March 5th my mom and dad got married after 22 years together.  Five days later he died of brain and lung cancer.  My disabled mom, who had taken care of him full time by that point, became homeless shortly after.

Mom’s now living with me, and their first anniversary is coming up.  We all miss my dad.  We’ve gone through our firsts…our first birthdays and holidays without him, and now one year is approaching since my mom lost him and everything they owned.

I’m trying to raise funds to buy my mom a modest home and running vehicle in the town she was uprooted from, the town where dad’s ashes are scattered.  The goal amount would also cover job training in a field my mom  has been talking about entering for half her life.

I want to give mom a new start.  I can’t offer her happiness, I can’t give her dad, so I want to instead see her independent, mobile, and ready for a new beginning.

Every dollar is a step closer, every share an act of love.

 

http://gofundme.com/AngelaFaulkner

 

 

 

Update

I feel like such a kid, taking my 12th break from my overdue psych paper.  I’m tempted to skim through new fanfiction…FANFICTION!

I’m not knocking fanfiction, but the college student procrastinating for it is a tired cliche`.

…shout out to those Once Upon A Time fanfic authors who are killing it.  Seriously, I can barely follow the show since it got hysterically racist, but some fan authors are really doing an awesome job making it what it could be.

Yes, I’m a nerd.

I’m so nerdy I nerd in a laboratory professionally.

I apologize for nothing.

…but my stomach is rumbling, the alarm is going off, and I still have to do my homework.

 

Stuck Again

At home, at the crossroads

hairs raised,

all heckles

and sharp fangs

ready for biting words

blistering stares.

 

Fear of people is more the fear

of a monster inside

the one that says slash and hide

 

The one that can’t describe

the desire.

 

My desire for a world

that didn’t force me to adapt

to be willing to hurt, hate,

long enough to rend back.

 

My desire for a world

where I don’t learn what’s

sharp enough,

blunt enough,

or what ways to swing

to disconnect the thing

attacking

from it’s brain stem, from it’s heart.

 

I think if I took one I’d keep it wrapped

in a baby blanket,

give it coins for passage to a world

gentler

where I might follow.

 

I know hundreds of ways to kill someone.

My parents trained

Others concerned for my deer-stumbles

my fawn-eyes

taught me how to make stone tools

that have rendered millions of gentler hearts

extinct.

Life Ever After…

Life after…

life after…

After what?

 

I could do nothing,

but doing nothing today would be the same as a melt down.

If I could melt down into my bed…

 

melt down its wooden leg and hide somewhere in the carpet, solidifying like a wax-monster.

 

I could hide in the shadows from what’s inside and out.  Why is everything more visible in the dark?

 

Melt down…

 

All red, orange, throbbing inside.  All screeching sirens and dreaded whispers.

 

I didn’t see the sirens…

 

That’s right.  He died in a hospital bed.  There were no sirens.

 

I wasn’t there to hold his hand..

 

I wiped his dust from my hands by a river bed I don’t know if I’ll ever see again.

 

I keep a bit of him in a necklace I rarely take off.  I wonder what bone fragments I’ve gotten.

 

I wonder what of him I can keep.

 

I’ve stolen his hand gestures, and his guarded smile.